her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.