fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
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i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
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Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.