Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
