here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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