So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize