Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
