peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
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We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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