I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
