he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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