i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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