I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
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as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
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"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.