I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.