Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
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Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
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Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked