I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
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I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
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A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse