I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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