I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
