That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
