I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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