I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
