dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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