I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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