does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
