Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
