my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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