awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
