if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
