I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I think my moral compass just broke
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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