It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
