There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
