I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
