no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
