i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
