Jerry, you need to find god
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
