New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
