You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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