a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It's shark week go big or go home
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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