Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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