I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
