Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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