shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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