I accidentally had phone sex last night
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
