wat bout pragnant strippers??
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
