Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
we should paint friendship bongs
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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