I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
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You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm too high and old for this...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.