I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E