hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
