i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
