My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
