the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
