the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
