You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
