Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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