and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
