well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
