Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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